What a week! People were running around like headless chickens. Is that an insensitive speciesist comment these days? Stop it I don’t even want to be that way! In any event, you didn’t have time to read the news and now you want to drink and be knowledgable. What to do? A solution is at hand.
What to read if you’ve been too busy to read this week…
- Landslide win expected for Liberal-National Coalition in Queensland State election. Speaking points: Anthony Green says we should know the result within an hour. Having no upper house is really helpful for calling elections, huh? But what of the commentators? I hope the Labor ones have some brittle, self-effacing gags they’ve workshopped.
- Feds announce $200m to secure Holden’s future. Speaking ponts: discuss favourite Holden. Mine is the EK. You can have that too if you like.
- Sydney is going to pull down the monorail. Speaking points: this is sad. I remember when it was new. This video may be soothing to you.
- Former CFA volunteer, Brendan Sokaluk, found guilty of lighting fire on Black Saturday. Speaking points: this guy was creepy.
- Clive Palmer claims the CIA is funding the opponents of Australia’s coal industry in league with the Greens. Speaking points: what’s more amazing about this is that the CIA bothered to refute it. Clive Palmer later changed his tune to say the Greens are ok but Greenpeace are still evil.
- Margaret Whitlam dies. Speaking points: this is sad. Also, I love the fact that she criticised Jeanette Howard for not being into enough community activities.
- Julian Assange to run for Senate despite being under house arrest in England ahead of possible extradition to Sweden, where he is wanted for questioning over allegations that he sexually assaulted two women in 2010. Speaking points: Who would fill his seat if he won and then got convicted? What a constitutional barney.
- Bikini-clad woman survives four days in the Queensland bush. Speaking points: you’d have to say this woman is a hero. Questions being asked about why her boyfriend didn’t stay to look for her. That’s some fight.
- Jim Stynes dies after long battle with cancer, aged 45, massive outpouring of respect and grief and just when you thought it couldn’t get any more positive towards him, Jason Akermanis criticises him then apologises. Speaking points: Jason Akermanis is like a PR litmus. It would be great if he offered a commercial service where people could ask him what he thought they should do in a particular PR crisis and then do the opposite of what he suggested.
- Brazilian student dies after being tasered in inner city Sydney allegedly for stealing a packet of biscuits from a convenience store which he apparently didn’t do. Speaking points: I still don’t get how this happened. Was it a malfunction? I would have thought that not killing people was kind of a KPI for tasers?
- Earthquake in Mexico measuring 7.4 and two people have died. Speaking points: We name cyclones but we don’t name earthquakes. Why?
- Extremist shoots three children and a teacher at Jewish school in Paris. May have been wearing a camera while he was doing it. Suspects arrested in standoff in Toulouse and gunman killed. Speaking points: this is just awful. Did you know there are some schools (esp Jewish ones) even in Australia where they have security for students?
- Kony video maker found naked and possibly masturbating in public. Wife says he is suffering from dehydration. Speaking point: So, I don’t know about you, but when I am thirsty, I tend to have a glass of water. Maybe I’m hopelessly old fashioned.
Hollywood, TV, Gossip
- Robert De Niro is criticised for asking if the US is really ready for a white first lady at Democratic fundraiser with even OBama’s office calling the joke, “inappropriate” and New Gingrich calling it, “divisive.” Speaking point: satire is dead.
- The Celebrity Apprentice Australia is about to launch. Here are the, ahem, celebrities. Speaking points: Does this put Jason Akermanis’ terrible comments about Jim Stynes and instant apology into some kind of context? Who could not be excited about seeing the wonderful Hoff work his magic? Celebrity is a funny concept now. What stage of your career is it when you get invited onto a show like this?
- John Carter is shaped to lose 200 million dollars at the Box Office. Speaking points: How else could you make a movie tank? The original title was John Carter on Mars, but they dropped it because it did not test well with women. Did Hollywood not learn from Cowboys and Aliens? How much power should focus groups really get? This topic has a great deal of scope for listing the worst films Hollywood ever made. Heaven’s Gate anyone? I still love him as Tim Riggins in Friday Night Lights though.
- Two huge movies are just about to come out about Snow White – one starring Charlize Theron, Kristen Stewart and the guy who played Thor called, Snow White and the Huntsman which is gritty and real and adult, and the other with Julia Roberts sporting a fake British accent in Mirror Mirror. Speaking points: what is wrong with an original story?
- Round 1 of the AFL starts Saturday night. GWS plays its first proper game ever against Sydney. It’s a new split round thing and there’s a match on Thursday between Richmond and Carlton. Speaking points: Shut up, I don’t even understand how this works any more! I think we should be broadly well disposed to Greater Western Sydney, although should we? Sheeds is already talking about a debut upset. Have we missed him? You betcha.
- Peyton Manning signs with the Denver Broncos for reported $96 million. The existing quarterback for the Broncos, Tim Tebow (the home schooled advocate who prays on the field?) has now gone to the New York Jets. Speaking points: George R.R. Martin, Game of Thrones author and Jets fan, hates the move, especially because he doesn’t think “Tebow’s conspicuous piety will play well in the Big Apple.” Hurrah, what fun when teams you don’t like turn on themselves.
- Sachin Tendulkar became the first cricketer in history to score 100 international centuries. Speaking points: Be happy for him but slightly bitter that an Aussie didn’t do this.
- Manly Sea Eagles backrower, Tony Williams, pleads guilty to a dangerous throw charge and cops a seven week ban. Speaking points: Guilty pleas – are they worth it?
Emergency go to subject
- Football. That’s all anyone will be talking about. You can say whatever you like.
Prediction for next week
- You will notice that you need to shine your shoes. Andrew Forrest, Gina Rinehart and Cliver Palmer will make an appearance at the Melbourne Comedy Festival.