An Open letter to the bot named ST1LLK1DR4UHL (Melanie)

From: ST1LLK1DR4UHL Melanie Direct message (Twitter) Hey someperson has been saying really badnasty rumors about u.. [link] Hi “Melanie” Thanks for the DM. Sorry to hear that you got such an average Twitter Handle. Still, I guess ST1LLK1DR4UHL beats the billy-o out of ST1LLK1DR4UHL69. I really appreciate you letting me know that someperson has been talking about me. Could you …

An open letter to the people next door on the left

Hi people next door We haven’t spoken but I like you. I like you much better than the people on the other side because even though you have a baby just like the other side, we never hear it screaming incessantly simultaneously being annoying but also flaunting the fact that they’ve been able to procreate. Ok, here’s an awkward thing. …

An open letter from Rashida Jones’ hair

Hi guys Rashida Jones’ hair here. Guess you’ve been wondering why such a beautiful woman has such frequent bad hair days. Whether it’s a pseudo mullet. Or any number of other odd styles. It’s just always a bit wrong. And that’s the way it’s going to be. Because I wanted her to be a physicist. kthnxbai! rjh

An open letter to the queue jumpers on the road

Hi you Oh you, you’re so busy in your big fancy car, so busy that you have to drive into the bus lane or that free lane that no one else is driving into because it’s blocked at the end of that lane and we all know that if we go to that lane and push in at the front, …

An open letter to the person in the panda hat on the SBS news bulletin

Dear lady wearing the panda hat in an SBS news bulletin about the Australian Census Well. Here we all are. You in your panda hat in a random SBS story about the Census. Me on the couch in jeans and a grey sweater. And I have to ask, how did we get here? What thoughts floated through the flotsam of …

An open letter to AGL

Dear AGL I walk past this ad every day and I honestly don’t understand it. 1. I already use the internet. Why would I need a reason to do that? 2. Even if I needed a reason, why would I have held out for the reason, “to switch electricity providers”? 3. Why is the man playing – I wanted to …

An open letter to doctors’ surgeries

Dear Doctors’ surgeries So here we are again and I’m on time and you’re more than 30 minutes late. I appreciate you want to give everyone personal attention and all that but don’t you think it’s spooky that this keeps happening to you and me? When I book a plumber, they usually make an outlandish claim that they will be …

Dear Lady Gaga I like you. I really do. I like the fact that just when I thought you might be getting a bit blah, you got yourself a wheelchair and a mermaid tail and just got the hell out there. Do you feel sometimes that you are escalating things to a point where it will eventually get awkward? Or …

An open letter to Beyoncé

Dear Beyoncé I had a couple of questions after viewing your newish video, Run The World (Girls). When you put “Girls” in brackets, is that like when you put something in quotations to convey that you don’t really mean it? Like when someone’s skirt is really short and you call it a “skirt”? Do you think calling the world a …

Covering email from seat fabric designer to Metro

Dear Metro Attached please find my design for seat fabric and a mock up of what it would look like in situ. I believe it meets all of the design brief pre requisites, namely: hideousness sufficiently grave to discourage people from sitting any longer than necessary; jangling colours engendering vague sense of disquiet bordering on dread; reminiscent of magic eye …