Oh hai, I’m just browsing for a nursing bra and when I say, ‘browsing’ I hope you will read it in the Prue and Trude voice – i.e. braahsing.
Without wanting to overshare, I needed a bra and looked to eBay mostly because it was easy to navigate at 4am on my iPhone. And boy am I glad I did because there’s a great big world of maternity bra wonderfulness on eBay and now I can share it with you because you need to know. Here’s my eight favourites.
The headings are the actual titles of each on eBay.
1.Elle Macpherson Medina Maternity Nursing Bra Size 16C 38C
Let’s start slowly here. If there’s one thing that gets me a bit frisky, it’s sleep deprivation and if there’s another, it’s the faint lactic smell of breastmilk. What a heady cocktail! My first thought on viewing this ad was that someone else was peeling off her bra. I was mistaken (it’s just a cropping issue; the woman is taking off her own bra, and yeah she’s brandishing it, sexy-like) but this was just a warm up act anyway. It was about to get a lot crazier. While we’re here though, note that the model has bothered to put on lippie. That’s what I do at 3am while being vomited on by my infant.
2. Nursing bra Front Buckle Maternity breastfeeding pregnant bras Underwear HOT #03
Pretty sure when Nelly wrote his song that he had lactation in mind. The hints in the tune are subtle but you have to read between the lines. When I take my nursing bra off and offer my jugs to my screaming child, I like to brandish both sides of the bra, and cock my head to one side because that isn’t Oedipal at all; that’s just HOT. Not sure what #3 is a reference to in the relevant ad, but I guess somewhere there are two other HOT maternity bras just waiting for me to find them. Shame I can’t do simple things like use the toaster, much less an effective eBay search. I’m so hot right now.
3. 3 Color Nursing Bra Open Feeding Maternity Breastfeeding Unlined Bra Soft Cotton
Nothing says elegance like draping your flaccid, beige maternity bra over dried roses. Nothing. You’d have to get a truck load of Audrey Hepburns, a shipping container of candelabras, a vat of white wine and some pearls and even if you bought them all in, in bulk, you’d struggle to challenge this photo for nobility. If Princess Kate is wearing a bra (and not having her milky lady parts effortlessly held up by her class hopping force of will) this is the bra she is wearing. It comes in three colours and in case you were struggling to visualise what pink or white would look like with a backdrop of dried roses (and let’s be honest, you are too tired to visualise anything other than fluffy white sheets and strong cups of coffee) DO NOT WORRY because the photos are all there on the ad. Drink that in. Enjoy the majesty for only $2.82 and in case that wasn’t wonderful enough, imbibe the wonder of the Engrish accompanying it:
· underwear, no steel free (does this mean there is steel or not??)
· can easily into the spill milk cushion; (I’m not sure I want things easily spilling into my milk cushion, even though I don’t know what my milk cushion is. I think I lost mine).
· the pure cotton fabrics, thin and breathe freely, is not easy to cause skin allergy (Phew)
· no steel bracket, but in all day (In all day? It certainly feels like all day AND ALL NIGHT. Zing.)
· the open button, lactation more convenient, do not lose bearing. (Because you might lose your bearing while stumbling from your bed to the feeding chair but now you have this to right your rocky course. Blessings).
Be sure to click through to the ad and scroll through the photos to note that this is so classy that even on a mannequin they have not stooped to anything as remotely classless as a nipple. They cover that shit up with a stylised pink heart in dried rose land.
4. Womama Maternity/Nurs
Know what I like to do with my postpartum stomach? Once I’ve got some daisies in my hair and have put on a full face of makeup, I like to strip off my clothes, sit down in a field handing more daisies to my baby’s older sibling and show that tummy off. I find that soothes my jangled nerves. You know what 10E, 12E and 16F have in common as bra sizes? They’re big. Real big. They’re big in a filled with milk way. That’s all they have in common. You can buy this bra for only $34.99 instead of $59.95 because you get a discount for the pain in your eyes after viewing this lady’s perfect thighs.
5. New Female Wireless Bra Maternity Nursing Underwear for Breast Feeding OK
The copywriter here thought about describing this bra as ‘hot’ but ultimately decided he just couldn’t pull it off so settled with the more achievable, “OK”. Of course, the photos were doing all the talking for him (and I feel like it was a him but I’m happy to be corrected). I like to ponder my failings as a mother while wearing a very large brief and staring wistfully off into the distance. It’s how we do. Get this bra right now by clicking here. Or just, I don’t know, ponder it with your very buoyant breasts and your smugness.
6. Breastfeeding Bra,Maternity Bra,Nursing Bra,dyeing defect on sale,floral print
If you could select one time in your life where you’re going to run your finger seductively down the chiselled torso of your lover wondering what’s going to happen next, it’s going to be when you’re lactating. You just don’t know where this might lead – you could fall asleep, you could scream at your lover because you misunderstood when he offered you a coffee, he might hide out for an unusually long time in the bathroom to avoid you; the possibilities are endless. There’s something about the prospect of being coated in breastmilk that so many bodybuilders find alluring. There are sites devoted to just this kind of titillation (NSFW).
So imagine your dismay to learn that there is a dyeing defect on this floral print. Just when everything seemed so perfect and sensual. The ad says it’s minor and won’t effect (sic) the overall appearance but you know that’s not true and there goes a night of libidinous pleasures – RUINED. You may as well forget the waxing, hairdressing and tanning appointments today and let yourself go; it’s not going to get sexy ce soir.
8. Freya Pure Maternity Nursing Bra 8GG / 30GG
Let’s get biblical for a moment here and specifically, the Song of Solomon Chapter 7 verses 3-4:
“Your two breasts are like two fawns, Twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like a tower of ivory, Your eyes like the pools in Heshbon By the gate of Bath-rabbim; Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon, Which faces toward Damascus.”
This is a great quote because who doesn’t want their breasts compared to a young deer or two? And I know that when my nose is being compared to a significant defensive structure, I want to be absolutely clear which way it’s facing. But I digress.
This bra is being advertised not by some soulless, dried-rose showcasing conglomerate in China but by an earnest individual (coolkidsdesigns) who has posted this bra for sale because, as she says:
“I’ve just had a baby, so clearing out my beloved bras that don’t fit.”
Can we clarify here that 8GG was her pre-lactation size. THIS BRA DOESN’T FIT HER ANYMORE. That’s no fawn; that’s a fully grown, male reindeer. My heart extends to her.
Also, hard to imagine perceiving this humble flesh coloured bra as beloved but in hindsight with two now HH or JJ boobs, you’d probably have a real fondness for it, too.
Stay tuned for my follow up series, How to leave the house with a newborn in 256 easy steps.