What a week! It was so busy that one day you contemplated sleeping at work but you knew there wasn’t an iron there and you would look crumpled in the morning. You certainly didn’t have time to read the newspaper or watch the news but now it’s drinks time and you want to rule it on the opinion front like a boss. What to do? A solution is at hand.
What to read if you’ve been too busy to read this week…
- Collar bomb hoaxer pleads guilty. Speaking points: this is so totally weird. He always said he would plead not guilty and we still don’t know why he did it. Weird.
- Hundreds evacuated and one dead in Australian floods which are caused by the most rain in 38 years. Speaking points: did you know this has stirred up a horde of spiders? Talk about biblical plagues! Be afraid, be very afraid.
- ACTU head, Jeff Lawrence, quits. Dave Oliver eyes job. Speaking points: the AWU is backing Dave Oliver. I’d say he’s going to be successful. Thoughts?
- New federal ministry sworn in. Kim Carr looks grumpy in every photo. Speaking points: I would like to see a Tumblr for this like the Nick Clegg looking sad tumblr.
- Reserve bank leaves rates on hold but Bank of Queensland raises theirs. Speaking points: complain bitterly about your bank or tell a touching story about how they were not completely rubbish at some stage.
- Gina Rinehart is the 29th richest person in the world according to Forbes. Speaking points: Hurrah for an Australian battler! Wait, what??
- Australian couple in Zimbabwe accused of trying to assassinate Mugabe after they pulled onto the road in the middle of his motorcade and didn’t bribe anyone. Speaking points: this couple has balls of steel. It takes real courage not to bribe someone when they are claiming there is no Australian embassy in the country.
- An organisation called, Invisible Children, starts a viral campaign against Military bad guy, Kony, in Uganda and it is huge. Others allege that Invisible Children is totally dodgy itself and posed in photos with guns. Speaking points: aren’t young people action packed these days?
- Putin victorious in Russian Presidential election. Speaking point: express complete surprise and enthusiasm; you never know where the KGB are lurking with their radioactive isotopes.
- Super Tuesday. Romney wins Ohio. Santorum still exists. Speaking points: man, this has been going on for a long time.
- Apple unveils new iPad, which for some reason is not called iPad 3. It has a much better screen (bet you were complaining bitterly about the old one, my eyes! my eyes!), can render graphics more quickly and is 4G capable. Speaking points: check out the google search for ‘new ipad’ which lists apple’s own media release as item number one. Now that’s search engine optimisation. We know there will be people queuing at midnight for the opportunity to have more megapixels and access to 4G. The Telstra monster raises it’s ugly head mind, as they offer the only 4G network available in Australia, but it is a different frequency to the network in the US. Do we really need an Ipad? I mean, really?
- Norwegian mass murderer, Anders Breivik, has been charged but probably won’t go to gaol because he’s too crazy. Speaking points: he is so crazy that he still maintains that he was right and should be given a medal for defending Norway against terrorists.
- Syria’s deputy oil minister defects to anti-government forces. Speaking points: I think we can all agree that wig technology has not advanced in Syria as far as some other place, if this video is to be believed. Also, imagine having not only a minister but a deputy minister for oil!
Hollywood, TV, Gossip
- Jessica Simpson is having a baby girl. Speaking point: Hurrah! Isn’t it great when people breed?
- Guy Sebastian has named his boy child, Hudson, after New York’s Hudson river. Speaking points: recycle earlier comments.
- Avid movie goer in Michigan brings a class action against cinemas after being prohibited from bringing his own snacks into a movie and forced to pay crazy movie prices for snacks. Speaking points: don’t you feel that one day you will ask for a Coke and a popcorn and they will say, that’s $152 and you will say, “Right, do you take card?”
- A man in the US got tired of listening to other people’s phone conversations during his daily commute. The solution? A personal mobile phone jammer. Speaking points: There are two sides to every story, but who hasn’t seriously thought about this. Imagine the possibilities. Could it be only used for good, or evil? How would it impact that awkward catch up with old friends you don’t really like any more. If anyone looked at their phone, you would totally know.
- Melbourne Demons player, Liam Jurrah, is in custody in relation to a machete and has now been charged. Speaking points: machete is a funny word, isn’t it? If you are a Demons supporter say that this is part of your new “tough” approach. No more bruise free footy. If not, just mock them like you usually do.
- Peyton Manning is leaving the Colts. Speaking point: everyone
was super classy about this. There is a rumour he might be going to the 49ers! This is a great distraction from the Bountygate scandal.
- Clive Palmer has bought a bunch of advertising spots at the Gold Coast match for tonight to promote his freedom of speech message. Speaking points: I for one am so so glad that Clive Palmer exists. For too long in Australian sport have we languished without some eccentric billionaire doing what eccentric billionaires do best – complaining about the human rights of sports stars. Salud, Clive Palmer, salud!
- Australia won the Tri series one day competition this week, defeating Sri Lanka. It was the latest finish to an International cricket season ever. Apparently the cricket was good, but crowds were down. Speaking points: Does anyone really care about fifty over cricket anymore? Ricky Ponting played 380 ODI matches for Australia. That is more than a year of his life. WHy do our players keep getting injured?
Emergency go to subjects
- Did you feel the effects of the solar storm yesterday? Nothing happened! I remember the time I stayed up all night to watch Halley’s comet etc etc.
Prediction for next week
- Clive Palmer will do something cer-azy. When can we sick Clive Palmer onto Robert Mugabe? I would totally watch that if it were on reality TV.