What a week! The fill in for the fill in got sick and you had to cover the bases. Luckily, there was a third fill in. Meetings were cancelled. Diaries were crazy. One day you literally think your inbox exploded (metaphorically). You certainly didn’t have time to scan the news and watch television. But now you want to have a delightful beverage and seem learned. What to do? A solution is at hand.
What to read if you’ve been too busy to read this week…
- Julia hits one out of the park, appoints Bob Carr as Foreign Minister, demotes Kim Carr to Human Services and Robert McLelland to Nowhereville. This follows the start of the week which seems like a million years ago when Gillard won the leadership ballot 71 to 31 (click here to put that into perspective), Mark Arbib quit politics unexpectedly, wild speculation abounded over his replacement ranging from Warren Mundine to former Keating adviser, Michael Fullilove and Kristina Keneally’s husband Ben. Speaking points: Bob Carr had so many good lines in the media conference today (e.g You don’t choose the moment, very often the moment chooses you.) He is a superstar and it was a thrilling surprise to the Press Gallery. Earlier in the week, Bob Carr said he was not interested in serving as foreign minister, but withdrew that statement in today’s press conference. What changed his mind? Why did Mark Arbib quit? He said he wanted to spend more time on triathlons. Will McClelland quit? What will Kim Carr do to Human Services? Are they distantly related?
- Widespread flooding in ACT, NSW and Norther Victoria. Speaking points: around 75 per cent of NSW is flooded or under threat. I’m no mathematician but 75 sounds like a terrible amount.
- Eight teenagers break out of prison in South Australia using a hacksaw. Speaking points: and they say youngsters are not energetic these days.
- Russia goes to the polls again on Sunday to elect Putin as President. Speaking points: this is how Putin thinks.
- The Dow Jones closed above 13,000 for the first time since May 19, 2008. Speaking points: this is terrible news for my online shopping and possible trip to Hawaii if it affects the Aussie dollar but so far we’re ok.
- Three dead in an Ohio school shooting. Speaking point: Since the shooting, a student at a nearby school threatened on Facebook to kill another student with a gun and assault him with a baseball bat
- Police evict Occupy London people from St Paul’s. Speaking points: I am yet to understand what occupying St Paul’s achieves. This makes me feel conservative, heartless and old and I dislike them for that.
- Romney wins Arizona primary and Michigan primary. Speaking points: in certain pictures, I believe Romney looks like a cross between Jim Carrey and Ted Danson. I miss Bored to Death. That was a good show. What will Jason Schwartzman do next? I hope it features unresolved sexual tension.
- UK unions might threaten London Olympics. Speaking points: what a terrific beat up. I guess it was better than their other planned story: weather may threaten London Olympics.
- North Korea has agreed to suspend uranium enrichment activities. Speaking points: this is great stuff. Could Kim Jon Un really be making decisions unrelated to World of Warcraft?
Hollywood, TV, Gossip
- Bendigo advertiser radio presenter’s girlfriend has her on-air marriage proposal turned down but it turns out it was just a 29 February stunt. Speaking points: this had better have really been a stunt otherwise that guy is maybe the worst guy ever.
- Australia’s The Circle implies a Victoria Cross winning soldier might be a dud root. Speaking point: So who do the circle think they are? Sexism is completely out of order, unless related to AFL, NRL, business, the PM, etc, etc, etc. Soooo many levels to discuss this. Does having a gym fit body mean you are stupid? Does appearing on The Circle mean you are smart? What would the Anzacs think of this? Two words: Mental. Overload.
- Monkees singer, Davy Jones, dies of a massive heart attack, aged 66. Speaking points: speak fondly of Monkees songs such as Daydream Believer unless you are far too young for that, which of course you are, in which case, massive heart attack sounds bad. Does anyone ever die of a really modest, tiny heart attack?
- It’s now a whole working week since the Oscar’s but in case it comes up, The Artist won best picture, Meryl Streep won best female actor for her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher in the Iron Lady, Jean Dujardin won best male actor, Hugo won a bunch of awards, Sacha Baron Cohen threw fake Kim Jong Il’s ashes on Ryan Seacrest, Bieber made some cameo in an homage to Midnight in Paris, Emma Stone did an adorable presentation with Ben Stiller and Billy Crystal played it safe as host. Speaking points: it is totally legitimate to want desperately to be with or simply to be Emma Stone.
- Socceroos beat the Saudis 4-2 in their World Cup qualifier in Melbourne. Speaking points: Bresciano made this happen. NB He did not kick the goals but set them up and was playing his first game since 2010 so use these facts to make yourself look like, totally in the know. You may refer to him as “The Bresh” . This is probably not a real nickname for him but it’s your nickname. Back to the future with Archie Thompson and Kewell also playing well. Do we just need to stick with old guys forever? The Saudis spent 6 million on a high profile coach and did not make the World Cup. Could that happen to the socceroos? Melbourne underlines credentials as sporting capital of world again after big crowd turned out for dead rubber in biblical rain.
- India smashes Sri Lanka in the cricket. Speaking points: Man of the match was Virat Kohlith. Ask someone in the know whether he is the next Sachin Tendulkar and retire from the conversation unless you want to have an opinion about that. “It’s too early to tell,” is a lame position for fence sitters only.
- Michael Clarke wins third Allan Border medal. Speaking point: there was no Brownlow style rotisserie at the event and if I were a Cricket WAG, I would feel seriously ripped off by that.
- The FFA strips Gold Coast’s licence so it can no longer compete in A-League after repeated crazy comments from Clive Palmer. Speaking points: Palmer has now created his own body called, Football Australia, with the slogan “We kick harder,” and plans to challenge the ban in court. Hurrah! Don’t you love it when sport gets cer-azy? Also, who has more money? Mining v retail, Lowy v Palmer. For a bloke who doesn’t like football, Palmer is wasting a lot of money on it.
Emergency go to subject
- Yesterday (1 March) was St David’s day – the patron saint of Wales. Traditions of the day include the wearing of leeks, one of the national symbols of Wales. The leek arises from an occasion when a troop of Welsh were able to distinguish each other from a troop of English enemy dressed in similar fashion by wearing leeks.
Prediction for next week
- Bob Carr will do something unexpectedly awesome and have something pithy to say sonorously afterwards.