Election 2016: Policies that people really want

This is a long campaign.

It’s such a long campaign that one struggles to imagine how the parties are going to fill each day with a relevant and meaningful policy.

But for those parties whose grid is still not full, below you will find a list of policies that people are (a) crying out for and (b) are not going to blow the bank.

You’re welcome.

  1. Eurovision Our-o Vision: together we can win Europe’s song contest and bring it to Australia for good.
  2. Way to go, Torrent! a policy to abolish and encourage illegal downloading, especially Game of Thrones. You download, or you lose.
  3. Making every cheese count: a radical reduction on all imposts related to cheese or other delicious products eaten during the snacking hour.
  4. The Right Direction for Navigation: a dramatic improvement to Google and Apple Maps.
  5. Industry Insistently: our industry policy that doesn’t make you want to throw things at the television
  6. A chicken in every pot. A car in every garage: our plan for getting dinner on the table (and the automotive industry).
  7. A time for lateness: greater tolerance for tardiness, especially by new parents.
  8. Yes we canned: making the Australian canning industry great again.
  9. Don’t swap horses midstream; get off the horse altogether: abolishing violence against horses wherever we find it
  10. A smaller era: Australia’s plan to lead the way on nanotechnology
  11. A friendlier bush: making waxing less painful.
  12. A kinder hope: our policy to allow you to evict a corrupt banker from their home
  13. Dinky-di on gluten free: the Nationals’ wellness policy
  14. Did Somebody Say Deficit? Our commitment to learn to accept the deficit
  15. Imaginative on immigrants: an immigrant only Arts industry
  16. Ding Dong! Positive Gearing Calling: let’s stop being negative about gearing
  17. When the going gets tough, the tough get Privatisation: the Coalition’s plan to balance the budget
  18. Worldclass Toileting Alone: our plan for preventing children interrupting you in the bathroom
  19. Stop the Selfies: preventing our children from wasting their life on social media
  20. It’s (Sleep) time! A plan for Australia to get the right amount of sleep, every night.


In other news, apparently Tony Abbott mentioned Malcolm Turnbull six times today in a speech. Go figure.

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